WUI

I’ve come up with a new acronym. We’ve got DUI, which can refer to quite a number of “influences.” But what about writing? WUI. (Or should it be said “Triple-UI?” Because “Double U, U, I” is hard to say . . . anyway.) Writing Under the Influence. It’ll be stamped to all books written with unnatural substances in the author’s body—the way they’ve stamped doper across Lance Armstrong. Great idea, right? People will get back into reading because it will involve scandal and drama. Until the doping deal went down, no one gave a rat’s ass about cycling, except for Lance, his record number of wins in a row, and I’m sure the French cared. And us goofy bike lovers. Moreover, the authors—who, as Donald Miller says, “get paid a dollar”—would be getting their book covers on cereal boxes. Sponsored. “I got Cornelius here, how bout you??” “I got the NRA. And rooster for dinner sounds fiiine.” Author trash talk. It’d be classy. But what about folks like me?? If I’m not under the influence, it becomes very clear why I have a seat reserved for me in hell. The drugs just make me capable of being semi-pleasant and present while I’m on earth. Would a WUI be awarded, er, would my writing be condoned with a WUI for my use of mind-altering drugs?? Or would WUIs be stamped on the books of those who should be on drugs but have failed to take them and therefore have written without them? Not taking them is a trip. That’s a sticky issue. If so, this paper has been condoned.

                                                      WUI