Not Naked

I have just polished off a bag of Bear Naked granola Original. How disappointing. I should know better than to buy granola that claims to be granola by name AND appearance. (Trader Joe’s pumpkin granola does not look like granola, therefore, it is acceptable to buy, try, whatever.) Having made granola for so long, I have high standards. But that was below my lowest of low standards. As I looked over the package and ingredients, as if looking at the ingredients in the store wasn’t enough, I shook my head. Crisped this, that, and the other. Soy protein isolate. What are you on crack? What else . . . canola oil, fine, fine, we used to use that. The cranberries’ ingredients: cranberries, sugar, and glycerin. Glycerin . . . that makes me think of explosions. Big explosions. Maybe that’s nitroglycerin. And then it makes me think of homemade snow globes. I don’t know where I get these ideas.

Back to Butt Naked. Erm, Bear Naked. A serving size is a quarter cup.

You’re shittin’ me, right?

You know, I’ve never actually understood that expression, but no, I’m not “shitting you.”

Who eats a quarter cup of granola? Maybe if you’re sprinkling it over ice cream . . . As I continued to peruse the package that seemed less than recyclable, I saw that at least they made an effort to encourage customers to send it back, as they have a proud partnership with TerraCycle. Cool. As if anyone does that. Maybe recyclable containers? Living with people for whom recycling is like pulling ticks, I think we need to keep it simple. Oh, they call it natural too. Isn’t that cute? If Prop I can’t remember which passes, no more of that garbage. I seriously hope not to see that tramp-stamp reading “natural” on items that may or may not classify as food (The other classification: consumable compound).

I’ve gotten off topic. I’m washing away the taste with my organic, two percent milk. (Yes, when I drink milk, I drink two percent. Bite me.) Ah, yes; as I looked over the package, I found its home: La Jolla. Oh. That explains a lot. “Granola” that is “natural” and hip (it is a protein boost!) and healthy (and that protein comes from soy! and since vegetarians consume soy, it must be magical!) and born in southern California. In LA JOLLA. Southern California is an okay place, there are some great features, such as my sister, however, La Jolla has no business making granola or pretending to know anything about it. Even if the founder attended UCSC or Humboldt State, her/his brain and mode of being has surely been polluted by the confusion of that place. Or, La Jolla has sent the original butt naked granola down the drain, thus providing customers with a sorry product that is only bear naked.